I want it all to end. Life. Family. Fights. Love. All of it. I want to be away from here and out of this world. No one here seems to understand, and I'm tired of trying to make things work.

Ok… I’ve been seriously thinking some things over these past few days… Its time I let people go in my life… including a certain friend I’ve been upset about. I’m tired of wondering what kind of friend replaces another because one person has some issues. That isn’t much of a friend, and if she wants to spend her time being drunk, fine. I don’t need the added drama. I’m happy. I have a good guy, who I am in love with, a somewhat decent job, a car, and my bills are paid. I might not have money after paying the bills, but at least they are paid and that’s what matters. I’m tired of worrying about what doesn’t matter. 

Haven’t posted a blog in quite some time, so I guess now as a good as time as any. Finals are coming up and I’ve got a ton of work to do, not to mention working extra while Lisa is gone to Vegas for ten days (so UNFAIR! Lol) I wanna go on a vacation, hopefully the beach next year. I wish I could find a full time job. I just brought a new car and I wish I could pay it off faster, but not with where I’m working now. I’m going on Tuesday (stupid Labor Day) to put in an application as a E911 dispatcher and I’ve gotta fax my resume to a medical office. I graduate in December with my second degree. I need something that’s going to show how hard I’ve work for it. I’m considering taking criminal justice, if I can’t find a full time job by January. It’s sad, I kept taking classes so I can continue getting my PELL, but without it, I wouldn’t be able to survive. Jobs are so hard to come by in my town. I see people coming to class every day needing someone to sign they’re unemployment slips, it’s sort of depressing. I worry about a lot of things, a lot. My Mom is a major worrying; she’s having problems again and has been going to the doctor quite frequently. I thought maybe those days were finally over. I cried myself to sleep those two weeks, worrying. All of this stress and worrying is starting to affect my relationship with Jerry. He asks me all the time what is wrong, I don’t know how to explain that everything is wrong.

I am somewhat proud of myself, I’ve learned how to control my spending (almost). I have paid off a lot of debt and I’m almost there (well, $750 to being there), debt free. By the end of this year, I will be debt free. I finally got to the point to where I was approved (with no down payment) for a contract cell phone, so I’m saving a ton of money there. I need to cut down the house phone bill, but I’m working on that. As bad as it sounds, I actually find comfort in knowing the whole country has money issues, at least then I know I’m not alone.

Another change I’ve made is, I’ve started to eat healthier; and as cliché as it sounds, I feel so much better. I feel a lot better, just the change in cutting out soda made a difference. I don’t need that caffeine to get through the day, there are other ways. Actually, this healthier eating has saved me money, I’m not eating out (as much) and I’m packing my lunch more often. Now if I could just cut the bottled water habit and adjust to tap (but GOD the water is so gross tasting here, too much junk goes in the water to clean the water.).

Ok, this blog seems kind of boring. Nothing exciting has happened in my life lately. I want to go for a hike but sadly, Jerry’s always at work. We’ve wanted to go for awhile, but he’s always off when I have to work and vice versa. Oh well. I’m tired of typing, so I’m going to find something to eat.

I seriously need a break.  Its all too much.  *Screams*

Nothing interesting happens anymore. My boyfriend moved back. My last post about that whole situation was me getting REALLY pissed off at him near the end of it. My quote best friend unquote is stuck up some other people's asses. She's going to get hurt again, and I'm NOT going to be there to pick up the pieces, yet again. She can't go around treating people like shit, and barely even talking to them, esp. when they're SUPPOSED to be their best friend.... that's just not normal. Not to mention she owes me $75... I'm NEVER letting a friend borrow money again. That was stupid of me, but she needed her college algebra book... so I bought it. Oh well.

Anyways, I can't decide what I wanna do with the rest of my life. I have my associates in accounting, but working in an office for the rest of my life is so mundane. I just don't know if that's what I want. I wanted to be a forensic psychologist, but that means going to school for a REALLY long time. I dunno, I'm just at a stand-still I guess.

Jerry is my life now. I've never felt this way about anything or anyone. Sometimes I wish I could express that to him better, but I can't. I'm not good at showing emotion; then I get so defensive about things. I can't make him see, that's just my defensive mechanism, it keeps me from getting hurt. Sadly, in the long run, I'm still going to. (He looks so cute when he sleeps too... I almost want to take a picture. :) ) *sigh* I just don't know what to do at this point.

I took some new photos, the past couple of months, but I just haven't taken the time to post them. There was a lot a TON more, but I'm just too lazy to upload all of them. :-P

*sign* You’re gone, and I don’t know what to do. I know, this is for the best? Right? Then why am I here, sobbing, unable to control myself. I was fine ALL day long when I was hanging out with Ladonna. Now, I’m at home, sitting in bed, looking to your side, and you’re not there. I know this isn’t permanent, and it’s not even a break-up? But god, it feels so much like one. I’m just so used to seeing you, this is an adjustment. Two months together and now this? Jerry how can you possibly tell me everything is going to be ok? You don’t even know when you’ll be back… yet I’m supposed to wait? You want me to move up there… I can’t. I can’t give up my life here, I have friends/family, a good job, and school. I also don’t wanna live in Tennessee. I like Georgia. Georgia has been my home forever. When I was a kid, I always wanted to leave, but now, I know I don’t. I feel like you left me for there. You could’ve found a job here, if you would’ve tried harder. I just can’t take you saying I’m going to cheat or find someone new. I don’t know why you can’t fucking see you’re all I want? I’m soooo annoyed and pissed off at the moment, if you want to leave me, do it already. Stop dragging me around. I can’t take that. I was semi mellow when I started writing this, now I don’t give a shit either way. You know, I hope Tennessee is exactly what you want. I sure as hell feel like I’m not it. Oh well. I hope you’re happy there. 

I'm crazy, going insane bored. So I've decided to post some pictures that I've taken over the past year or so. They aren't in any kind of order or anything...

I’m not too sure I understand anything anymore. I’m happy, sort of. I have great friends, who I’ve been neglecting lately, and I apologize; most of you understand. I have a great boyfriend too, well fiancé, although I haven’t told anyone and it seems like most of his family already knows. It drives me insane, knowing he wants to re-enlist in the army. I don’t want that, but I know it’s not my choice. I think of Ryen and how his life was ripped away from him. I don’t want that to happen to anyone else I know. I never thought it would hit me this dramatically. It just seems like I’ve finally found this little piece of happiness, and it’s possible it could get taken away from me. It also doesn’t help that he’ll be gone 85% of the year, and I’m going to be left behind. Sometimes I question whether I’m that strong, strong enough to deal with him not around, honestly, I’m not sure I am. I don’t know, my head is in scrambles, nothing makes sense anymore. My Mom is being crazy. Which a part of me understands, he does need to find a job, and he needs to help with the bills. I’m giving her what I can, I guess it’s just not enough. I’m so stressed out. I don’t know what to do about school anymore or anything. Sometimes I just wanna give up on EVERYTHING. Maybe it would make life a little easier. I don’t know.

This journal is filled with posts about past relationships, but they don't mean anything. Other than the fact that they lead me to you. Nothing could even shine brighter than you in my eyes. I love you. I'm so happy I found you. Never have I known happiness like this, or did I think someone could ever make me this happy. I'm getting better at my independence. Please, just give me time. I love you.

I feel so replaced. And you dont even know.

Why do I have to work? Esp when I can think of much better things to be doing at home....

I love you so fucking much.  I just wish there was a way for me to express that.

I Melt
By Rascal Flatts

When you light those candles
Up there on that mantle, setting the mood
Well, I just lie there staring
Silently preparing to love on you
Well, I can feel the heat from across the room
Ain't it wild what a little flame can make you wanna do

[Chorus]
I melt every time you look at me that way
It never fails, anytime, any place
This burn in me is the coolest thing I've ever felt
I melt

Don't know how you do it
I love the way I lose it, every time
What's even better
Is knowing that forever you're all mine
The closer you get, the more my body aches
One little stare from you is all it takes

[Repeat Chorus Twice]

Every time you look at me that way
I melt, I melt

Why? WHY? WHYYYYYYYY? I don’t understand.  I was fine… I really was.  Well, until I saw you with another girl, then my jealous picked up.  I went in there to get a keyboard, I need to steal one for my classroom, since ours wasn’t working anymore, you talked to me.  You said, “I heard you have a new boyfriend”, I just looked at you, and said it wasn’t true.  You looked hurt when you said it, really upset.  I asked you to walk with me back to my room.  You stole my cheese Danish, which I attacked you for, trying to steal it back… you wrapped your arms around me, and I tried to move away… knowing that I didn’t want to… then you pulled me to you and kissed me.  People said they could tell the difference that I had talked to you, because you were smiling and laughing again.  I couldn’t stay away from you.  You gave me a hug, and said that I looked like I needed one.  Jeff, I don’t want to stay away from you, I didn’t realize how I felt… but I know I need to.  I can’t just keep falling into this.  I don’t know for sure that you and her really aren’t together.  Your excuse for the pictures was she asked if she could post them, and that you weren’t together.  It’s funny, the same source told that you were back with her, and that I had a boyfriend… only they switched it around.  I don’t know if I can believe you.  I want to believe you, I really do.  I just wish it wasn’t so complicated and I didn’t get so attached.  Someone said some thing that scared me earlier; she said you “loved” me.  How? God, I need to be talking to you about all of this… you were gone by the time I got off work today.  Jeeze, how can this be a “normal” relationship, when I can’t even talk to you on the phone or anything?   Even if I did decide I wanted to get back with you, it wouldn’t be the same, there is NO trust there, at all.  I guess I have a lot to think about….

So, this is a work in progress... I'm not really sure if it will actually continue or not.. but either way, I wanted to write it.


             I walk in, you aren’t there. Questions fill my mind, but I try to put them off.   I need to focus on the task at hand. You’re my distraction, even if you don’t notice me. For three months, you’ve been there every day, waiting, sitting there, and watching TV. When I arrived this morning, your presence wasn’t there; I already knew it was going to be a long day. 

            I sat at my normal table and pulled out my books, I had chapters to read. Yet, I was still wondering, where you were. I know I shouldn’t, I’m not really anything to you, just a friend. Three words people hate hearing, especially when feelings are there for that person. 

            Some times, I hate when your arms are around me, because I know, I’m not the one with you. No, instead you have an actual girlfriend. It’s funny; she’s trying to change you. Why can’t she just love you for you? I like you for who you are. Even if you aren’t the smartest person… you’re you, and I wouldn’t be able to fall for someone who wasn’t you… or a “fake person”

            So easily I’m distracted by you. My school work is suffering. I would rather spend my time with you, than read about boring interest rates. You skipped your class last week to hang out with me. Few people have ever done that, just to be with me. You held me in your arms, and sung quietly into my ear.

            I don’t know what it is that pulls me to you, or what attraction is there. You remind me so much of someone that I used to know. He was my best friend. I was also secretly in love with him. I never told him how I really felt. Some parts of me regret it, others don’t. Some times, I wonder, was he getting me ready for you?

            Jeeze, the girlfriend part, it drives me insane. What possessed you to start flirting with me? It’s been at least three months. You said you two have only been dating two months, so you’ve been cheating on her, almost the whole time. I’ve asked you to decide, but you won’t. I’ve even asked you why you’re still with her, you said, “I don’t know”. You can’t tell me a straight answer. So it makes me wonder, what really possesses me to be with you?  Why can’t I just walk away from you? It doesn’t make sense to me. I need you in my life, and I’m not really sure what purpose you serve, but I need you there. 

            My mind is wondering too much, I can’t even concentrate on my work. Even now, you aren’t here, and I’m distracted. I open up my book, and turn on my MP3 player. Music is my escape from the real world; it allows me to go somewhere where no one knows my name. I’m free. I’m reading and typing up my notes, then “Wonderwall” by Oasis plays. I remember riding in my car, this song comes on, and you hold my hand even tighter and sing the words to me. 

            Stupid flashbacks. I quickly turn the song; I don’t wanna hear it right now. There was another one, it played on the way to Burger King that morning, you sang it to me, and grabbed my hand even tighter, it was like we had a moment; just a small quiet one. I only wish I could remember the song now. Oh well, that’s not what’s important right now. I need to find some way to keep you out of my mind, only the task is impossible.

            I find a song, one we haven’t listened to before, and open my book. I’ve got to finish reading these last three chapters. Interest rates, stocks, and bonds just can’t compare. I keep thinking you’re going to walk around the hall that you really are here. Only it never happens.

            I sulk off to work, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, but I also know I can survive without seeing you. I don’t see you three out of 7 days of the week; one extra day won’t kill me.

            Everyone keeps asking, “Where is your boy toy?” which brings me back to remembering you aren’t here. I quietly shrug and walk off. How could I come to this? Wondering where a guy is, a guy I’m not even dating; that’s not me. I didn’t even care where my year long boyfriend was when we were dating. I sigh; I guess there really is no explanation. I guess all I can hope for is you’ll be back tomorrow.

 

I’m Ok

Christina Aguilera

Once upon a time there was a girl 

In her early years she had to learn 

How to grow up living in a war that she called home 

Never knew just where to turn for shelter from the storm 

Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face 

Every time my father's fist would put her in her place 

Hearing all the yelling, I would cry up in my room 

Hoping it would be over soon 

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same 

And I still remember how you kept me so afraid 

Strength is my mother for all the love she gave

And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday 

And I'm okay

I often wonder why I've carried all this guilt

When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built 

Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door 

The echo of a broken child screaming "please, no more"

Daddy don't you understand the damage you have done?

For you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on 

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same 

And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid 

Strength is my mother for all the love she gave 

Every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday 

It's not so easy to forget

All the marks you left along her neck 

When I was thrown against cold stairs 

And everyday afraid to come home,

In fear of what I might see there

Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same 

And I still remember how you kept me so afraid 

Strength is my mother for all the love you gave 

Every morning that I wake, I look back at yesterday 

And I'm okay

Mm

I'm okay

Dear Good Luck Bear,

 

You know who you are… :-P Lately, all I’ve been doing in this blog is talking about a certain boy… I haven’t really been mentioning my bestest friend ever. Man, I freak when I think about you going active… two whole years without really getting to see you, that’s insane. What am I going to do without you? You give the best advice, and who is going to be there for all my crazy adventures? I know this sounds selfish, but it’s going to suck being away from you. I also understand why you wanna do this. It makes sense. I would much rather you go to Germany for two years then Iraq… I DON’T want you going there. I don’t wanna think about you getting shot at, or the land mines… not to mention all the bombing. You’re well trained, and I know you’ll be safe, I just don’t wanna see you in harms way. I love you way to much for that. I have to tell you, I admire you… you really are one of my Heros. You’re standing up for a country you don’t even like. You’re protecting people who are too weak, stupid, annoying, and whatever else. I admire you more than anyone. I love you! *hugs* 

 

Love forever,

The 2^nd greatest Guitar Hero in the world :-P

So, lately, I’ve had some major problems falling sleep. So in order to help, I draw and write before bed. These aren’t the greatest poetry I’ve ever written, but oh well…

 

Ruby Red

 

Blood dripping

From ruby red lips.

Exchanges of life,

For the survival of one.

Lost broken, and hallow,

A hungry hunger screams from inside.

A thirst of knowledge and power

Prevails love.

A mortal,

Lifeless, limp on the floor.

A lover dies so the other survives.

 

Fiery Glaze

 

Tender moments, loving touch.

Not knowing, but still drawn.

Fiery feelings ignite,

With only a single glaze.

Passion, not understood, but embraced,

Always longing for more,

Not knowing when to stop.

Cold at night, yet warm as day.

Please don’t ever go away.

 

Broken

 

Broken thoughts

Scattered beliefs.

Echoes of broken dreams.

Woven webs,

Deceitful lies

Was it really just your alibi?

Unfaithful feelings,

Tattered love.

Crimson tears flood the earth.

Do you even care?

 

Footprints

 

Wind blowing,

Feathers whisper;

Footprints of the past,

Still linger on the mountain side.

Spirits reign,

Guiding the way.

Thunder rumbles,

Silent cries;

Choices made,

Echo by.

Mistakes forgiven,

Lessons learned.

Future brightens.

Blood boils cold;

Fear escapes,

Running creased.

Chains breaking,

Freed at last.

Never trapped,

Forever More.

You know, I realized, you were rebound from my last ex.  Thanks. You got me over him, now I can move on to a REAL relationship.